Instant Equilibrium

I am not the same person each day.

Some days I feel open and expansive, filled with optimistic confidence about life in general and my life in particular. And other days I feel constricted and small, convinced that my life is permanently stuck in a tiny hole with no escape possible, that how I've conducted my life until this point has simply been a series of mistakes. And then there are days where I am somewhere in between.

Today I found myself in a highly constricted emotional space, practically unable to breathe and feeling very paralyzed. If you were to ask why, I could list a few plausible sounding reasons for it, but I'm learning that the particulars are largely irrelevant, because the particulars change each time I find myself in such a state. What is more relevant for me is to be able to notice what is happening and to do something to shift out of it. Sometimes taking a few deep breaths works, as might going for a walk.

But today I needed something more, so I put on my bathing suit, packed a towel and went to Walden Pond. It was a hot summer Sunday afternoon and the pond was filled to capacity when I arrived close to 5pm, the parking lot closed until 6pm. But I was determined to swim, so I parked in a small lot on the other side of Route 2, about half a mile away, and walked back towards the pond, following some wooded trails until I was on the far side, away from the main beach. Picnickers and swimmers dotted the shore, and I walked and walked until I could find my own little spot for my towel and shoes.

I entered Walden's healing waters and stood there for several minutes, the water up to my thighs. I had gotten this far, but I was still somewhat paralyzed, unable to simply plunge in, even though I knew it was exactly what I needed to do. Finally, I started to move, and experienced again the miracle of swimming there. Simply being immersed in the water, surrounded by pine trees and under an expansive sky, immediately restores my mental and emotional equilibrium, quieting whatever thoughts had been tormenting me before. As a child, I was not a strong swimmer and I hated the opaque water of ponds and lakes. I never would have thought that one day I'd seek refuge smack in the middle of a body of open water.