Inimitable

Yesterday evening, as the temperatures plummeted to the 20s in advance of last night's snowfall, I dashed over to a movie theater to see Julie and Julia. I'm a big fan of cooking and eating and of Meryl Streep and I hoped I was in for a treat. Ms. Streep's acting was, as usual, la creme de la creme. Even though I had never seen Julia Child's cooking show on television and was unfamiliar with her trademark voice and gestures, Ms. Streep's artful interpretation and performance made up for that gap in my experience.

As I watched the film, I found myself savoring certain aspects more than others. Ironically, many of the cooking scenes held less of my interest than those where Julia Child confronts the male dominated French culinary establishment and finds herself in the process. After her first humiliating class in which she was the only woman and the slowest to chop an onion, she decides to improve her skills at home. We see a sack of onions and a colossal and growing pile of the chopped white vegetable on Mrs. Child's kitchen table as she single-mindedly practices this fundamental skill, over and over again, onion after onion, oblivious to the tears running down her face. That made more of an impression than many of the scenes of modern day Julie Powell, the blogger, as she's shown preparing the recipes in Mastering the Art of French Cooking and writing about it.

Some of the more satisfying scenes involved Julia Child corresponding with her sister and potential publishers, featuring the physical acts of writing, typing, folding, licking and sealing. What the film left me hungry for was an earlier and slower paced era when people still composed letters by hand, when the sending and receiving of mail was accompanied by anticipation and excitement, and when life was richer for these rituals.

And I wonder if the reason many of the cooking sequences failed to sizzle is that I recently decided to become a pescetarian, eliminating poultry and red meat from my diet. Chicken, beef and duck are also stars in this movie, forming an important but unacknowledged supporting cast, yet despite all the food styling that must have taken place I was not terribly tempted by the sight of a perfectly roasted bird emerging from the oven or by the much-touted boeuf bourguignon that made multiple appearances. Perhaps if I had seen the move before modifying my diet I would have been inspired both to drool over these dishes and to run out and purchase a copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Instead, my plans are to slowly, probably not methodically and most likely not publicly, make my way through The Greens Cookbook and Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone, both by Deborah Madison. It's not that I plan to deprive myself of flavor or fat. For this morning's breakfast, in homage to Julia, I fried an egg in plenty of butter.

Inner Thighs, Indiscriminate

Until yesterday, I was a woman who rarely had issues with my body or self-image. Unlike many of my friends, as a teenager and 20-something I did not spend much time fretting over the size or shape of my behind, legs, breasts, arms and belly. For decades, I've accepted and even liked my body, pleased with its proportions and grateful that all of it worked pretty well nearly all of the time. My metabolism had been able to keep up with my intake of chocolate and no one was the wiser after my occasional binges of Toblerone bars or Ben & Jerry's pints.

For a brief moment, all that seemed to have changed.

Yesterday I was at REI, the outdoor clothing store I've patronized for years. I had ordered a dress online and went to the store to pick it up and try it on. Removing my pants and top in the fitting room, I was confronted with an unfamiliar and unwelcome sight: a roll of flesh around my belly and lumpy thighs that, in the mirror, looked a lot larger than I recalled. I don't have a full length mirror in my apartment and although I've felt that my body has been gradually changing - even though my weight has remained constant - I wasn't quite sure what I looked like.

It probably hadn't helped that, the night before, I had broken down and indulged in a longstanding craving for Popeye's Fried Chicken and biscuits (and cajun fries), washing it all down with a beer. It was as if this soul food had bypassed my digestive tract and plastered itself directly onto my thighs and derriere, as if to mock me for consuming it.

I quickly slipped the dress over my head. It fit beautifully and concealed the bumps and lumps - definitely a keeper! Briefly, I considered getting another one in a different color, imagining that I'd have to cover myself from waist to mid-calf for as long as I walked about the earth. No more shorts, and forget about bathing suits. And then I began to think about how I'd have to subsist on a diet of kale and tofu to recover my former figure. At that point, I began to sink into a funk, a perfect example of how attachment - to a thinner body - leads to suffering.

Were my days of indiscriminate eating really over? Would I have to finally face some fundamental facts about aging and further limit my intake of cheeses, cookies and chocolates? Would I need to intensify my exercise if I were to continue to entertain my tastebuds and fill my belly in the manner to which they had grown accustomed? As I pondered these questions, I realized that bumming out over the diameter of my butt was unnecessary, that my happiness was not contingent upon the circumference of my thighs. I know many large women and men who are much more content and successful than I am. And while I'm not going to allow my size to expand exponentially, I'm also not going to fixate on, or try to eradicate, every surplus centimeter of flesh. That would be ridiculous as well as an affront to the person I've always been - someone who refuses to confuse her self-esteem with her body.

Interruption, Indignity

Although it has happened to me a few times already, I still haven't quite gotten used to the fact that - in Colorado - when I ask a server at a restaurant to please pack up the remainder of my meal, they do not whisk my plate away and return with a tidy little box filled with my food. Rather, they bring an empty box to the table, and it is up to me to transfer the contents of my plate into a styrofoam carton or a paper container. The process of packing up my meal interrupts whatever conversation I'm having with my dining companion, not to mention that accidentally spilling food or clumsily handling it in front of watchful eyes feels like an indignity.

I find this Colorado custom a bit irritating, and perhaps that is why I've repeatedly suppressed the memory of it. Indeed, last Thursday I had lunch at a local French restaurant and found myself scooping half of my chocolate pot de creme into a paper box. My companion stared as the dark brown dessert plop-plopped into the take-out carton where it looked significantly less appetizing than it had just seconds before in its cute white ramekin. By Friday evening I had already buried this painful episode deep in my psyche and, as a result, was newly and unpleasantly surprised when I was presented with a small box for storing half a plate of drunken noodles. Mercifully, all the food fit, but having to again peform the ritual of scooping food and scraping my plate in front of someone I had just recently met was just not fun. Next time, I might have to either order less or just eat more.

Insanity, Instincts

Insanity, it is said, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. However, with a meditation or awareness practice, one has the opportunity to observe oneself in the process of repeating history and then choosing not to in the end. Last night I was deep into deja vu all over again while sitting across a restaurant table from a 30-something year old man I had met online. In a moment of loneliness, intensified by a periodic fleeting desire to reconnect with my earlier self who had lived in Budapest, I had e-mailed this person whose screen name was in Hungarian to simply ask him if, indeed, he was. Igen. And he was also new to this area and seemed eager to meet new people, including me, even though I'm considerably older than the age range he had specified in his profile. He had posted photographs of himself in which he was outdoors and had what appeared to be a relaxed smile on his face. After a few e-mail exchanges we agreed to meet for dinner last night. Since he was driving some ways to meet me, I chose the restaurant, a funky Thai place that had received good reviews.

"So, you've been here before," he stated, as we took our seats.

"No, I haven't" I said.

"So, for a first date you've suggested an unknown place?" he asked, a bit taken aback, as if I had broken some generally accepted protocol and/or asked him to take a chance.

I, too, was taken aback. A first date? True, we were meeting for the first time, but I did not consider it a date with a capital "D". We had not even spoken on the phone beforehand, except for a few minutes immediately prior when he called to let me know he was running late. While I had been interested in meeting him I was not focused on coming up with an impressive evening or setting. I had asked him what food he enjoyed and made plans accordingly, choosing a place that would be conducive to conversation.

"Well," I said, "I asked some people for Thai restaurant suggestions and they recommended this one. The fact is I haven't eaten out all that much since moving here and I like trying new places."
Immediately, we dropped into a conversation about my impressions of Hungary and Hungarians - he had asked me in an e-mail and I thought it best to respond in person.

"Well," I said, not wanting to offend, "There seemed to be a cloud of gloom hanging over the country. People were pessimistic. But you don't seem to be like that at all."

"Actually, I am," he responded. At least he was being honest.

His remark released a range of uncomfortable sensations that I had felt while living there two decades ago, as if these had been sealed in a pouch all these years, waiting to be opened so they could be fully processed or digested. Now the pouch was leaking feelings of incompleteness, sadness, of longing for wholeness, resulting from being disconnected - by geography and genocide - from ancestral roots, and wanting to transform the experience of my Hungarian heritage into a happy one, despite the seeming impossibility of this task. No wonder I had packed this emotional goulash into an inner Ziploc, storing it somewhere deep in my guts, hoping that over time it would just pass through my system without my having to feel its painful contents.

The waitress came over to take our orders but we had not even opened the menus. We sent her away, and within minutes she returned.

"We're still not ready," I said to her. "Do we get a third try or are you going to kick us out?"

My companion laughed. I was relieved.

For what felt like a long time the waitress ignored us, and I got to hear a bit about his family history and journey to America. Like many Jewish men of his generation, he wasn't told of his religion until he was Bar Mitzvah age, a time when the word "Jew" was a common insult. An engineer, he had studied at the same university where I had spent my junior year abroad. We had eaten in the same cafeteria, whose offerings included soup with chicken feet, a dish that delighted the locals but freaked out the Americans.

As he spoke, I could not help but notice that he sounded almost exactly like another Hungarian Jewish engineer I had met, and dated, many years before. This genre of human being, in my experience, operates almost entirely from the left-brains, is analytical and logical to an extreme, lacks an aesthetic sensibility, has a scarcity mentality and can be very single-minded bordering on self-righteous. At one point during our meandering conversation my companion switched topics in order to pick up a loose thread. I can't recall what the abandoned subject had been, but I got the distinct impression that it was important to him to not leave anything hanging, that everything needed to be put in its place.

Some people might find this constellation of character traits attractive or positive in some circumstances, but I heard a little voice in my head comment, "You moved to Colorado to change your life...so why are you having dinner with a slightly more polite and refined version of an ex-boyfriend from hell?"

Perhaps I needed to revisit some old psychological territory from a new perspective, to hear nearly the exact same thought processes, mindset and beliefs from this more junior man as I had heard from my ex who, at the time, had been my senior, and to have a completely different experience. As I nibbled my drunken noodles I realized that I'm no longer the person who was afraid to trust herself and who preferred to rely on what others had to say, particularly people with strong views and clearly articulated opinions. In what had been a disastrous and painful relationship with my ex, I had abandoned many parts of myself in order to conform to his views of the world and to fit his image of who he needed his girlfriend to be.

Slowly I have learned to not do that again. All this seemed quite clear while sitting in the restaurant and when saying good night to my dinner companion after we had finished our meal. It was raining by the time we left the restaurant and, after a brief and somewhat awkward discussion about continuing our evening in a more happening part of Denver, he chivalrously suggested that we save that for another time and better weather. I was free to enjoy my own company for the rest of the night.

When I got home, however, my self-doubt and conditioning kicked in with a vengeance, berating me for not having picked a restaurant in a more lively location that offered the possibility of a post-dinner stroll, as if I had blown my very last chance to find a fulfilling relationship because I had not orchestrated a perfectly seamless, multi-stop evening. For a few moments I actually fell for these nasty voices in my head, voices that have been telling me most of my life that I need to be romantically involved with someone to be an acceptable person and that I need to twist myself into knots to either enter into or maintain such relationships. The fundamental message of these voices, a malevolent mantra as it were, is that I am not enough, that by myself I am inadequate. I think I am finally catching onto these insidious bastards and their very dirty tricks.

Inauspicious

This word came to mind as I was nuking some leftovers on a microwave-safe plate and, a few seconds before the timer went off, I heard a loud snap. The plate had cracked almost exactly in half, a very clean break. Holding the two pieces together so that my food would not fall through the chasm, I dumped my dinner on a different, microwave-safe plate and tossed the other one into the trash. I wondered what "microwave-safe" meant in this context.

Interstate: Impressions

Marketers and advertisers know that it takes a minimum of seven, if not more, impressions to convert someone into a customer. That potential customer will need to see or hear at least seven advertisements or product mentions before they will take action. The marketers in South Dakota are well acquainted with this fact, thus the Interstate is lined with billboards that announce restaurants and attractions that are hundreds of miles away.

For example, for hours before I arrived to Wall, SD, population 800 or so, I must have seen dozens of billboards with simple but tempting graphics and slogans for Wall Drug. In hindsight, I wished I had stopped to photograph each and every one of them, although that might have slowed me down quite a bit.

The theme was simple. Each billboard emphasized a different items available at Wall Drug. One sign focused on homemade donuts, and had an image of a chocolate frosted one. Another boasted 5 cent coffee. A third showed cowboy boots. A fourth had a picture of cherry pie. A fifth announced that T-Rex was at Wall Drug. A sixth said, "Only 50 miles to Wall Drug". And on and on, mile after mile, billboard after billboard, to the point that I got curious about what kind of place Wall Drug was. Yup, they totally snagged me with their clever ads.

After soaking up the Badlands I headed to Wall Drug. Leaving the park, sign after sign informed me that I was getting closer to the 5 cent coffee. I pulled up in front of what looked like an old western store front. Wall Drug is basically a small mall filled with cowboy boots, food, games, gimmicks and more. It is probably the largest employer of this tiny town, which counts on a steady stream of visitors from the national park.

If I had been less tired, I might have lingered at Wall Drug to fully absorb the kitsch, but I wanted to eat something before traveling one more hour in waning daylight to get to Rapid City, SD. I ditched over-the-top Wall Drug in favor of the unpretentious Badlands Bar, a local joint that seemed anachronistic. Both the bartender and a few of the cowboy hatted customers smoked cigarettes as ceiling fans whirred.

The man who took my order had longish gray hair, a handlebar moustache and a friendly demeanor.

I asked him if the buffalo burger came with anything on it.

"Nope, we don't have lettuce or tomato," he said, simply stating the facts without apology. This place was really about the meat and french fried potatoes.

"Could you some put onion on it?" I asked.

"Well, I can bring you some onion on the side," he replied. I hadn't yet noticed the sign on the wall that let customers know that this place was not Burger King....you don't have it your way.

He brought over a cardboard beer bottle tote filled with condiments: two squirt bottles, one with ketchup and one with mustard, and two recycled Corona bottles, one filled with pepper and another with salt. He placed a small plastic container with chopped white onions and a white plastic fork next to it.

The buffalo burger was a bit overcooked but I dumped a lot of onions and ketchup on it, washed it down with french fries and a coke, and in its own way was just fine. Just as, in its own way, even the mildly smoky air was refreshing.

Intense Itinerary

Travel brings out the maniac in me.

I just returned from a few days in Santa Fe, New Mexico one of the more laid-back cities in the United States and where, with the exception of my first afternoon, I hardly sat still. I wasn't prepared for the high altitude, the dry heat and the constant sun, and I spent Friday afternoon, after I arrived, recovering from the journey and hydrating with water I had picked up at Trader Joe's which, unlike its New England brethren, was amply stocked with foods and snacks boasting habanero and chipotle. Still a bit disoriented that evening, I put on some fresh clothes to attend services at Temple Beth Shalom, a reform congregation in Santa Fe. The prayers and singing grounded me and I received a warm welcome from congregants, many of whom were transplanted East coasters. None of them regretted their decision to move to the southwest.

There are endless shops, galleries, restaurants, cafes and museums in Santa Fe, but I wanted very little of it. I had a tremendous and surprising urge to hit the open road, to drive and drive and drive, to soak up the scenery and to experience the stillness of the desert and the mountains, to be embraced by the very big sky. In the next three days I put more than 500 miles on my rental car. My first trip was up the High Road to Taos, stopping at the Sanctuario de Chimayo and the art villages of Cordova and Truchas along the way. Truchas is home to many fine artists and their distinctive galleries that occupy old churches, adobe homes and other spaces. Truchas has a general store, most of its shelves empty save a few cans of Dinty Moore stew, and no gas station. One artist couple has created a tea room, where I sat outside and had lunch, but other than that the village does not have much of a gathering place. The air was so clean, the mountain vistas so serene, the quiet so intense, that I fantasized about one day joining this intrepid group of dreamers who support themselves through their art, selling it to visitors who journey up from Santa Fe. In winter time, when the tourists stop coming, this community gets together to ski.

Truchas felt authentic whereas Taos - filled with more galleries, shops and cafes - felt too touristy. I didn't have the patience to look and linger, preferring to head back to Santa Fe along Route 68, which took me past mountains and the roaring Rio Grande. A man was selling roasted pinon nuts out of the back of his bright red pickup truck; tempted, I pulled over. He gave me some to sample and then told me that the small bag was $10, the larger bag $20. Ten dollars? I thanked him but decided to move on. He was amiable and relaxed about it, no hard feelings, no attempt at a hard sell.

That evening - Saturday - I returned to Santa Fe and to the adobe casita I rented just a few blocks from the center of town. Coming from the northeast, where I depend on skylights and large windows to let as much light as possible into my dwelling space, it was strange to stay in a building designed to keep the light and heat out. Inside it was cool and dark, offering cavelike protection from the sun, which shone intensely from the time it rose, probably before 6a.m., up until it set, at around 8:30pm. It seemed as if a single day of Santa Fa sunshine was the lumen equivalent of a month's worth of Boston rays. My brain felt supercharged.

It was time for an evening stroll in town. A co-ed mariachi band trumpeted and strummed in the plaza. A few of the musicians had blonde hair. This was clearly New Mexico, not Mexico. I poked my head into a few restaurants before coming across The Shed, a bustling restaurant with one of my favorite dishes, fish tacos, on the menu. There was an hour wait for a table so I took a seat at the bar. The food was tasty but not as heavenly, nor as inexpensive, as the fish tacos I discovered in Oakland, CA last August, served from a truck near one of the freeways. But the atmosphere was hip and happening and from my perch at the bar I could observe the flow of cocktails, food and people. A taciturn biker sat next to me at the bar and ordered without looking at the menu; clearly the place was a favorite among locals. Then a very blonde Canadian woman, navigating the tight seating, mounted a bar stool as if she were getting on a horse. She landed next to the biker. Her arrival animated him, and he told us about Gabriel's, another good restaurant, just outside of town. I finished my meal and bid my farewell to this

Sunday morning was cowgirl time. I drove south to Cerrillos, home of Broken Saddle Ranch, where I joined a small group horseback ride in the dusty state park in former mining country. I told the organizer my riding abilities included cantering, which I hoped was still the case. A bit nervous at first, I failed to convince my horse, Zane, that I really did want to canter, and so while the other horses sped on ahead he trotted a bit before slowing to a walk, testing my resolve. The leader moved us into the middle of the pack and gave me some pointers, and with my newfound decisiveness we were soon cantering up a storm, just like in Bonanza.

After the ride it was off to Madrid (pronounced MAD-rid), an artist colony and biker mecca a few miles south of Cerrillos. Woodstock in the desert is one way of describing the vibe of this place, a hodgepodge of shops, restaurants and galleries featuring offbeat art. One of my fellow riders had recommended a restaurant called Mama Lisa's, a small cafe in the middle of this small town. I sat on the patio and chatted with Rick, a friendly blonde and bearded native New Mexican who lives up in the hills, gets by with occasional repair work and doesn't have a credit card. Doesn't believe in them. He doesn't like banks much, either, although he told me he does have an ATM card and a one year old grandchild who, like his own son, was born on father's day. And he had recently taken a 6,000 mile road trip in a car bought especially for that purpose, driving from New Mexico to West Point and back again. Then an acquaintance of his sat down and, while I devoured a barbeque brisket sandwich, I overheard them chatting about their friends...a very matter of fact conversation about who is sobering up and who has outstanding DWI offenses. I got the impression that both men have had their own struggles with substance abuse; fairly common in that part of the country.

In a bit of a stupor from the heat and my lunch of red meat, I drove back to Santa Fe to visit the Museum of International Folk Art, which houses an astonishingly large collection of colorful handmade objects from around the world. There were too many things to see. Suffering from circuit overload, I abandoned the museum and headed into the center of town to check out Canyon Road, a street filled with high end art galleries and boutiques. After New York, it is the second most important art market in the United States. Wandering up the street, the sounds of live music lured me into Gallery Esteban, the eponymous space of Esteban the guitarist. Apparently he is quite well known and he was performing free of charge to a mostly local audience in the graveled courtyard behind his gallery, offering refreshments to all. I sat down, soaking up the sounds and enjoying a few moments of stillness.

By the time the concert ended most of the other galleries had closed, a situation for which I was glad. There was simply too much to look at and having fewer choices made my life easier. One gallery I ventured into featured the bold graphic work of Carole LaRoche, a woman who moved to Santa Fe from Boston in her mid-40s and began creating art full time. Twenty-five years later she has her own thriving gallery in a hot location. Her website doesn't really do her work justice - I was particular taken with her large pastel drawings of wolves.

That night I went to sleep early, planning to get up the next day and go hiking in a nearby forest. Nearby as in 10-15 minutes by car. Such proximity felt like a luxury. On Monday I started out before 9am and tried to find a trail that was labeled as "moderate", a 4-mile route down to a creek and back. Although I missed the trailhead, a fox crossed the road just a few feet in front of my car. Spotting wildlife always feels somewhat magical. And I ended up at another trail, which wound its way through a pine forest. At a trail juncture, a map was posted on a wooden sign, and an arrow pointing to the location said, "You are here. Breathe deeply". I did. The crisp pine-scented air was pure peace.

A quick shower and I was off to see the Georgia O'Keeffe museum, which had an exhibit, Natural Affinities, on her work and that of Ansel Adams. It was smaller than I had expected, both the museum and the exhibit, and before long I was in my car again, heading to Gabriel's for lunch. It was supposed to be one of the better restaurants in the area, boasting of a Zagat rating from 2001, and I figured I would give it a try. I ordered steak tacos which were well prepared but didn't launch me into tastebud heaven. Perhaps my time in Mexico spoiled me. A couple at another table were using an electronic pipette to mix two wines in different percentages, savoring the resulting blends. Note to self: Buy a pipette and try this at home.

After lunch I headed off to Abiquiu, home to Georgia O'Keeffe and the source of her inspiration. Unlike the mountainous road to Taos and the dusty hills of Cerrillos, the highway to Abiquiu is flanked by red and striped cliffs and rock formations on one side, green pastures on the other. Several times I stopped my car to take photographs and to revel in the stillness and the silence of these majestic open and somewhat empty spaces. For a moment I envied Rick, the man I met in Madrid, and his 6,000 mile cross country adventure. The highway beckoned.

Somewhat sadly, I turned around and headed back to Santa Fe for my final evening there. It was Monday, and the town was essentially shuttered, most restaurants and shops closed. I was in bed by 9pm and got up early Tuesday morning to go hiking again before returning home. I found the trail I missed the first time and was rewarded by the sight of a stag emerging from the woods.

En route to the airport, I stopped at the Kakawa Chocolate Company for a tastebud tingling Aztec brownie, a potent creation featuring generous amounts of chili pepper, cinnamon and dark chocolate. At Trader Joe's I popped in to buy a sandwich for the plane trip then sped the final 55 miles to Albuquerque, watching both the speedometer and the clock and returning my rental car two minutes before the 12pm deadline.

I did say that travel brings out the maniac in me, didn't I?

Intentional Chocolate

It is said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions...but some people believe that the path to nirvana is paved with Intentional Chocolate. Before this chocolate ships to you, it receives the focused meditative blessings of monks, hence the intentional. Check out the website for the double blind study that demonstrates that people who consume chocolate that has been created with such good intentions experienced better quality emotional states than people who ate regular chocolate. Something to chew on. Or, rather, let the dark chocolate pistoles melt in your mouth.

Icing-less bun

This morning I overcame some serious inertia to go to a spinning class. It began at 9 a.m. which, for many of you, is not all that early and might even be considered decadently late for some. For me, however, it was a bit of a coup to get up, spend an hour meditating and writing, have a pre-breakfast of a grapefruit and some tea and walk to the class.

I've never "spun" before. Averse to fads and a bit leery of gyms and indoor exercise that requires equipment, I had dismissed this activity out of hand. But this studio, Spynergy, was offering a free first class and it seemed worth checking out. Three of the five students were brand new and the instructor patiently showed us the proper sitting position. We began with easy cycling as we stretched our upper bodies and breathed deeply, much like I would in a yoga class. The music du jour was R&B, and towards the end of the class we climbed out of our seats to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough", all the while maintaining the correct posture. I appreciated the instructor's attention to our alignment, essential to avoid stressing and injuring the knees. And despite our request that she not tone down the intensity of the class for the neophytes, the instructor kept the class mild enough that, alas, I didn't bust a gut or break much of a sweat. After the class ended I asked the teacher if she ever used Latin music to accompany the workout. Turned out she is a techno-pop and R&B woman but she suggested that I take a class with Anna, whom a student affectionately described as merciless. Sounds good to me!

To reward myself for my early morning adventure I stopped into a local bakery to pick up the carbohydrate, or second course, of my breakfast. I spotted what looked like fruit studded rolls on a bottom shelf and asked what they were.

"Hot cross buns," said the employee.

"Can I buy just one?" I asked, noticing that they were arranged in groups of six.

"Sure," she said, after checking with the manager. "Do you want me to ice it?"

"No, thanks," I replied. I didn't really need the extra sugar or to be reminded of the crucifixion while munching away.

The hot cross bun, which was neither hot nor crossed, was light, moist and delicious.

Intelligent Indulgence

I'm a recovering chocoholic. Once upon a time I could scarf down bars of high-fat milk chocolate that a friend would send me from Europe. Lindt bars with different fillings and Ritter Sport bars had a particularly short half life once they arrived to my home. My self-discipline disappeared as I tore into their elegant and shiny wrappers and mindlessly masticated the contents. In a bit of perverse logic, I convinced myself to quickly consume them so that they wouldn't be around to tempt me.

I wasn't always like that. As a child, I was able to stretch my stash of Halloween candy for up to six months. Back then, I knew that my parents would not budge and buy sweets the rest of the year so, like a squirrel, I'd hoard the stuff for a long New England winter. Perhaps it was this childhood "deprivation" that led me, in later life, to overindulge in sweets, particularly chocolate. And I'm sure I got hooked on the caffeine, theobromine and phenylethylamine and the other compounds found in chocolate, not to mention the sugar, which sent my energy level skyrocketing, and then plummeting. For a time I must have found this sugar-induced roller coaster ride exciting, if not addicting, but over time it was becoming increasingly difficult to manage my chocolate-enhanced moods.

Fast forward to September 2007, when I moved into my current apartment. I decided to treat this move as a fresh start, a chance to nurture some new habits and to discard some unproductive ones. I decided that I would not bring into the house any sweet edible substance that might pose the risk of overindulgence. In other words, jams, jelly and maple syrup were OK, as I consume these in moderation, but ice cream, cookies, cakes and candies were most definitely not OK. And I honored this rule for a few months until it became very cold and very dark, and I was convinced that I couldn't survive winter without the help of hot chocolate. Bringing sweetened cocoa powder into my apartment turned out to be a mistake. I'd typically drink the hot cocoa in the evening, and the caffeine and sugar would conspire to make it difficult for me to fall asleep at night. And even that little bit of sugar started to feel addictive.

And now I will get to the point of this posting. A fellow I met at my retreat told us about Dagoba chocolate, which he eats as part of his breakfast. Intrigued, I found some on sale at Whole Foods and promptly fell in love with this intelligent indulgence. Dagoba means temple of the gods, and the unfussy label, in addition to clearly stating the cacao content, subtly declares that Chocolate is sacred. Indeed. I first sampled the Xocolatl, a dark chocolate bar infused with cinnamon and enough chili to kick up some heat in my mouth. Its complex flavor demanded that I slow down to savor it. One segment of the bar was quite satisfying and I was not tempted to commit the sacrilege of carelessly consuming the whole thing at once. I also tried the Mon Cherri, which has hints of berries and vanilla. And tonight I have enjoyed some of the Lime bar, dark chocolate with lime and macadamia nuts. I get the most out of the experience if I treat the chocolate like a fine wine and take the time to appreciate its aroma before putting it in my mouth. I never knew mindfulness meditation could taste so good.

Idiazabel

With my refridgerator empty save for a bit of mayonnaise, aoili mustard, a few eggs, some maple syrup, a loaf of whole wheat bread and one container each of milk and cottage cheese, it was time to replenish. Wishing to have an adventure rather than simply doing a chore, I headed over to Russo's, a food market not far from where I live. I did not bring a list but decided to follow my intuition and buy what looked interesting, colorful or otherwise appealing and figure out what to do with it all later.

I had been to Russo's years ago, before it had been renovated and expanded and I wasn't quite sure what to expect. All the better to make this expedition exciting. I found a shopping cart and entered the building. The first thing that caught my eye was a heaping pile of inaptly named red cabbages, which actually are purple. I simply had to add this amazing color to my cart. Next I encountered a gigantic carrot. Impressed by its size, I tossed it in next to the cabbage. This carrot turned out to weigh nearly a pound. Moving down the aisle I scooped up some red potatoes and an acorn squash with a dark green shell. A handful of yellow onions balanced the colors a bit. Turning the corner I saw basket after basket of shimmering apples, pears, oranges and grapefruits! I wanted them all, except these were sold by the basket. Moving along into the main building I was confronted by even more fresh produce and other edible goodies.

Fresh dates! It had been awhile since I had eaten one, or been with one. I plucked a package of them and then continued to peruse the fresh fruits. The apple section alone was inspiring. I couldn't resist such pretty pommes, especially with names like Jazz, Pink Lady and Cameo. And then there were pears! Not just any old pears, but pale yellow Chinese Ya pears, whose name reminded me of the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and so I had to add some of these individually wrapped beauties to my cart. And shortly thereafter is when I looked up and saw him, a cute guy I had briefly dated over the summer. I called out his name and he turned around. But it turned out it wasn't him, but his twin brother, who is used to answering to both names. I'm glad I met him, because I had seen the twin once before at a Whole Foods and had been too shy to ask him if, indeed, he was this person's twin. Now I can shop angst-free.

Relieved, I proceeded to the end of this particular aisle and into a smaller room filled with all kinds of vegetables, including carnival cauliflower. It is orange. A must have, even though I have no idea what gives it that distinctive color. Exiting the smaller room I spotted some artichokes and imagined dipping their leaves in my aoili mustard. Mmm. Passing some refridgerated cheeses I was tempted by goat cheese and smoked maple cheddar. Moving along into Russo's largest space I came face to face with the aptly named Ugli fruit, which looked liked a citrus gang leader with its tough, pockmarked greenish-yellowish surface. The store had sliced one in half so one could see that its interior, resembling an orange, was much less menacing. I tried to apply my fruit selection intuition to this beast even though I had no way of knowing which were riper than others. I chose one with a more yellow-orange skin. And then I spied my dear old friends, Thai bananas, at the end of this same aisle. Thai bananas are tiny, barely two-bites of fruit are protected by the peels. Fun to look at and eat, I plucked a small bunch out of the bin.

Wheeling around the corner I saw even more cheese and the deli section. And that is where I met Idiazabel. Even if it turns out I don't like this particular sheep's milk cheese from Spain, I do love the name and may have to change mine to it. Idiazabel's neighbor was Boerenkaas, a raw milk gouda from Holland. Not wishing for Idiazabel to be lonely in my fridge and to remind me of my sola cycling trip from Amsterdam to another famous cheese producer, Edam, I added a small wedge of the Boerenkaas to my cart.

I perused the pastry section but decided to pass. Perhaps I'll sample it on another trip. I stopped at the deli counter for a sandwich - a "small" sub was just $3.98 and it turned out to be quite large. A container of half sour pickles, some stem tomatoes, a head of garlic, a quartet of yams, a package of baby romaine two cukes and a singularly sumptious yellow pepper rounded out my purchases.

The total came to less than $60. I am now tempted to return, shopping list in hand, to find ingredients to complement the colorful and exotic foods from today's highly enjoyable but somewhat impractical adventure.

Inward Bound

It's been awhile since my last post. Thanks to those of you who are still with me, still checking this blog for signs of life. Part of the time I was in California, at a retreat designed to help people reconnect with themselves. And before that I was fighting a cold and a fever, which almost made me consider cancelling my trip. And after the retreat I have been letting my experience sink in, pondering how to write about it. I felt that I had to address it first before scribing about other things.

Inward Bound is the best way for me to characterize this retreat, called the Hoffman Process and organized by the Hoffman Institute. In my class were 39 other people, from across the country and the world, of all shapes, sizes and hairstyles, with a variety personalities that defied Myers Briggs categorization, ranging in age from 20s to early 60s. What we shared was a common determination to free ourselves from, in many cases, lifetimes of emotional pain and suffering that was interfering with the quality of our lives. Many of us were veterans of different therapies and therapists, myriad medications and spiritual practices, as well as practitioners of strict diets and exercise regimes to render medication unnecessary. The collective healing expertise of our group was impressive, even if - as our presence at Hoffman indicated - these complex formulae and heartfelt efforts have not consistently eased our distress. And most of us had learned about the Hoffman Process from other people who had done it and who had experienced meaningful if not lasting results, many of which have been documented in research studies. It was the combination of scientific proof, and the fact that the person who referred me is a Harvard educated CEO, that persuaded my highly skeptical intellect to invest time and a not trivial amount of money in this experience. At the same time, my ego was convinced that it was so special that the process wouldn't work on me, and so there I was, deeply wanting to put an end to my existential and emotional angst yet concerned that I would simply get in my own way, that I would be one of the people for whom this didn't "work".

As we were told early on in the retreat, there is no way to "fail" the Process. True enough. Simply by showing up one has demonstrated a commitment to heal. But many of us were hoping and wanting to achieve an enormous transformation. Fast. And forever.

Although we didn't scale sheer walls, navigate a rope course or leap blindfolded off of a platform into a safety net of interlinking outstretched arms, the process was probably more intense than what I imagine an Outward Bound course would be like. On several days we did exert our bodies to an exhilaratingly and sometimes painfully sweaty degree, stretching ourselves beyond previously established limits, but we did this indoors, not outside. And the exertion was designed to physically, and ultimately mentally, disconnect ourselves from many of the unproductive or negative thoughts and behaviors that we had picked up when we were children and have clung to us like life-force sucking leeches ever since. Hoffman refers to these as "patterns". Sometimes I've thought of them as programming, or conditioning. Whatever metaphor works is the one to use. Disassociating from the patterns was actually liberating and fun, and most of us looked markedly stronger and more powerful after that emotional and highly physical exercise than we had just a few hours before. In fact, a few of us were ready to pack our bags and go home at that point, having accomplished what we thought we had come for: a psychic purging of negative and self-defeating inner voices, voices that had once protected us but no longer serve us.

But we were only on day three of an eight-day retreat. There was more to come, said the teachers, a group of people of a variety of backgrounds who are trained specifically to deliver this process. I preferred to think of them as guides or shepherds, steering our group of sometimes unruly and resistant sheep from one session or activity to another and keeping track of the handful of sheep who'd inevitably wander off, either mentally or physically. Come to think of it, we were more like cats than sheep. Our large class was divided into smaller groups of eight, which periodically met for more intimate processing and discussion, and each group had its own catherd (if it isn't already a word, it is now).

One reason I had a hard time thinking of the facilitators as teachers is that much of the material they presented was not completely new to me, and sometimes I experienced their delivery as uninspired. Having attended retreats, personal growth seminars and dozens of yoga classes, many of them led by emotionally open and enthusiastic people who willingly shared elements of their own spiritual journeys, I was occasionally disappointed by what and how the person at the front of the room was trying to "teach" us. And at times my intellect would protest, "What are you doing here? You know this stuff already. What a waste of money!"

But then it occurred to me that my broad exposure to all kinds of healing modalities and spiritual writings meant that maybe I was a personal growth junkie who could talk the talk, perhaps even more effectively than these teachers, but, let's face it, still wasn't able to walk the walk. My resistance, thicker than a coconut shell and spikier than a porcupine, had gotten in the way of translating intellectual understanding of spirituality and healing into new ways of being and behaving. And at the times that my intellect was trying to invalidate what it was hearing, I reminded myself that I came for the group energy, which I believed I needed to complete some of the healing work I had started in individual therapy, and because the time had come to just do it. I decided I was not going to let my reactions to the teachers get in the way.

The only way out is through.

I had found that it was quite difficult for me to go through some of the less pleasant emotions in a 50-minute hour. It often would take me until minute 40 to soften and relax enough to let my feelings out. And by then it would be too late, because my ego - eager to protect my appearance at all costs - didn't want me to leave the therapist's office while I was a blubbering, vulnerable mess. And if I did manage to release some deep emotion, it was very difficult for me to sustain a more open and yielding emotional quality between sessions. I'd return the following week, feeling as if not much had happened. And so on. I would stay stuck, out of a powerfully toxic combination of stubbornness and fear, both unable and at times unwilling to free myself from some rather heavy baggage.

The Hoffman Process and the group helped me through, and I was able to tap into, feel and release grief that I didn't even know I was carrying with me as well as reach deeper levels of some more familiar sorrows. How did this happen? The Process is neither magical nor manipulative, but it does creatively utilize and sequence some time-tested tools - guided visualization, meditation, expressive writing, music and physical movement - to allow suppressed feelings to surface and be released, to give voice to parts of ourselves that have been shut down for decades. Equally important is that each person came to this retreat with a strong intention and motivation to allow this work to happen. And the setting - a resort in Napa Valley with gourmet catered meals from a Bay Area restaurant - nourished our spirits and bodies. The food in particular gave me something to look forward to each day after a few hours of riding an emotional roller coaster or two; between my cold and the tears, I probably consumed a full box of tissues each day.

The release of so much negative emotion and energy was palpable, with many people literally blooming, growing taller and sparkling before our eyes. And because each of us was feeling comfortable enough with ourselves to remove our social masks, we could now finally see each other as individual people, rather than as the projections of our fears, hopes and judgments. Many people told me to look in the mirror. I did. I recognized myself again, after years of seeing the reflection of a stranger.

Insanity, Impatience, Intransigence

This triple "I" posting is inspired by an outing last evening.

Among the many rites observable at my synagogue on Friday nights - including candlelighting, Shabbat services and blessings over the challah and wine - is a relatively modern tradition. This contemporary ritual involves groups of mostly single people going to a restaurant for dinner after the kiddush.

Sounds lovely, you say, how nice to have such a group!

In theory it is a nice idea, but in practice the ritual makes me insane. It involves someone assuming a leadership role, often reluctantly, and then canvassing between six and eight people, most of whom are engaged in conversation with someone else, about their interest in having dinner and, if it is affirmative, the kind of food they'd like to eat. By the time this process has concluded, about 30 minutes have passed, more than enough time for me to snack amply on rugelach at the kiddush.

No longer hungry, I have lost much of the impetus to attach myself to a group outing, an act that is slightly unnatural for me in the first place. Moreover, I am starting to get cranky at the prospect of not arriving to a restaurant until 8:30 pm or later, not being served until 9pm, and not getting home until after 10pm. The group's tendency towards indecisiveness and the demonstrated inability of the group's members to arrive at the designated restaurant at the same time further frustrate me. I simply do not find it fun to engage in multilateral negotiations about which restaurant to choose, week after week after week. It's not as if we are debating the merits of different fine dining establishments where we're each expecting to pay upwards of $30/person, plus wine. We are talking Turkish or Thai with most entrees under ten dollars. Most Friday nights I am content to chat with people at the kiddush and then go on my merry way, either to dancing or a quiet evening alone or with one other person, unshackled by a slow moving pack of people. Democracy is great except when it gets in the way of eating at a reasonable hour.

Last week - and I will get to last night in a minute - my friend R. had broken free from the shackles of tradition and had made a reservation at a nearby restaurant for 8pm, a time that was still on the reasonable side. To support her bold, unilateral move, I joined the group. It was basically a fun evening, and the four of us who showed up on time ordered without waiting for the others who straggled in 30 minutes later. Somehow, we all completed the meal at the same time.

Based on that mostly successful outing, I decided to take my chances again last night. J., a very kind man, offered to round up the troops. A consensus builder, he also wanted to make sure that everyone could agree on the restaurant.

"Please pick a place," I urged him, hoping to simplify his job and speed things up. "And get back to me."

Meanwhile, R. wasn't sure she could join us because she had to first go home and let her dog out. I offered to drive her so she could take care of her pet and save some time. Deal. Then she suggested a restaurant near her house to save travel time on the other end. Perfect! We told J. of the plan. He just wanted to consult another member of our party, whom I'll call Y., who was engrossed in conversation with one of our congregation's elders. R. had tried to get Y.'s attention multiple times but failed.

But the dog needed to romp, so R. and I left the synagogue and told J. that we'd meet the group at 8:30pm at a certain Thai restaurant in Brookline. After caring for her pet, R. and I were walking to the rendezvous when my cell phone rang. It was Y., explaining to me that she couldn't join us for dinner because for various personal reasons she can't be seen in that part of town.

"I see," I said into my phone, even though I had no clue what she was talking about. I imagined that she had an agreement with an ex-lover who lived in the neighborhood to not hang out on his turf.

"Please tell R. I'm sorry I won't be there," Y. said.

I repeated what she said to R., who nodded in understanding when I mentioned that Y. can't set foot in this restaurant.

"So, what is that about?" I asked R.

"Well, it's personal, so she should probably tell you," R. replied, deepening the mystery.

We arrived to the restaurant, packed with people and with a long wait, and J. was already there, accompanied by a somewhat awkard man, looking forlorn because Y. can't - or won't - come. He's on the phone with her, and she is suggesting that everyone meet her and another friend at a different restaurant across town, apparently where it is safer for her to dine out.

It is past 8:30 pm. It is cold, I am tired, my car is back at R.'s house, and I put my foot down.

"Sorry," I say, baring my intransigence. "I'm not going anywhere else. If you'd like to join Y. for dinner across town that's fine with me. I can just go home."

I wasn't whining or complaining or angry, just stating my preference. I had no patience left for another round of negotiating, another trip in the car, finding another parking spot and another wait at a restaurant.

The others looked chagrined, as if breaking up the group was akin to a Halachic violation. I wondered if I was being difficult. For an instant, I was willing to reconsider my position.

"Well," I said, still cold and impatient, "could someone at least tell me why Y. can't be seen in this part of town?"

Perhaps if I understood the mishegas I'd be ready to relent. J. decided to break the silence.

"Well, Y.'s a rabbi - but she doesn't like people to know this - and she doesn't like to go to restaurants that are near KI (a conservative temple) for fear she might be seen."

Uh huh.

My mind quickly calculated the merits of this particular case of Jewish insanity: conservative female ordained as a rabbi, but who doesn't want to be known as a rabbi, attends a post-denominational synagogue where almost everyone drives on the Sabbath yet because she is still known as a rabbi by some people and might still want to work as a rabbi somewhere, sometime, she thinks she can't enjoy a Shabbat meal at a restaurant within a few blocks of a conservative temple whose members don't observe the Sabbath 100% either, but who might frown upon seeing a rabbi dining out on a Friday. Whew.

I am no stranger to these convoluted complexities - I attend synagogue every Friday night and observe one dietary law (hold the pork!), which makes me "religious" to some secular Jews, yet I break almost all the other commandments, making me practically a gentile in the eyes of the Orthodox. I totally got the "logic" of her situation but I didn't want to exhaust myself further in support of her rabbinic ambivalence.

"Well, I am going to have dinner here," I told the group, pointing to a less crowded restaurant across the street from where we were standing. "If anyone wants to join me, that's great. If not, I'll go by myself."

In the end the four of us - me, R., a somewhat sullen J. and the awkward man - shared a late meal. I made a few suggestions to J. about ways to organize the group dinners to make the process more efficient and enjoyable.

"Efficient is for the workplace," J. said, "It doesn't work for socializing."

"Well, I'd be more likely to come to these dinners if they were more organized," I politely disagreed. "Every week we spend so much time making the same decision, I am exhausted by the time we begin eating. Can't one person choose a restaurant each week and make a reservation?"

"But what if the others don't like it?"

"Well, everyone would know that they'd each have a chance to pick a place. Over time, people would get to eat at the restaurants they liked."

J. looked dubious. And I simply stopped there and tried to savor my very spicy but slightly oily soup.

Illegal immigrant

Today Juan (not his real name, as it turns out) returned to finish some repairs at my apartment. Remembering that I wrote that I would be kinder when he came back, I got up early enough to meditate for 30 minutes before the agreed arrival time of 7:30 a.m. Since the contractor and Juan had appeared promptly the week before, I even skipped a shower so that I'd be sure to hear them arrive (I have no doorbell...yet) and be able to let them in.

As 8:15 rolled around, my impatience and stinkiness growing, I called the contractor to find out when I might expect them.

"Oh, it's just Juan who is coming today," he told me. I was relieved.

"OK, but I'd like to take a shower, so could you find out when he'll show up?"

"Don't worry, he won't get there while you're showering," the contractor said. "He's at least a half hour away."

I was not reassured.

The phone rang again after I had finished bathing and dressing. It was the contractor letting me know that Juan probably wouldn't make it until 10 a.m. I started to get annoyed - I could have slept later, showered sooner....my mind could have generated a list a mile long about how things "could have" been.

"Well," I huffed. "I'm not sure I can stick around much longer than that."

"OK," he said. "I'll tell him to hurry."

Part of me was eager to get agitated and pissed and scream at this guy but I remembered kindness so I didn't bite his head off. I also realized that even though contractors have made me feel crazy in the past, I do have a choice about how I am going to react NOW. I didn't have to get angry all over again. I sighed and tried to figure out how to rearrange my plans so that I could get something accomplished while waiting.

The following e-mail shows up, one of a few daily inspirational quotes that I receive:

If someone cheats you, they cannot diminish your experience. They only diminish their experience. You cannot be diminished by someone cheating you unless you get all upset about being cheated and push against them.

I wasn't feeling cheated, per se, but it was a good reminder to not let other people's behavior determine how I feel. Getting upset is, actually, a choice (one that many people make).

At 11 a.m., engrossed in creating my jewelry newsletter, I hear a faint sound down below. I go to my hallway, open the window to peer out and see Juan standing patiently in his New England fall "uniform": blue jeans and a grey zipped hooded sweatshirt.

"Just a minute!" I say, scampering down the steep steps in my sockfeet.

"I owe you a big apology," he says in Spanish while handing me a bag of tostadas. "These are for you."

"Muchas gracias!" I say, trying to let him in. The hallway is so narrow I need to back up the stairs so that Juan, who's somewhere between "husky" and "a few extra pounds" can enter. It is hard to be too upset with a handyman who comes bearing authentic Mexican snacks, even if the guy is nearly half a day behind schedule.

He quickly fixes one of my kitchen lights, reinstalls the window pane in the bathroom and hangs up my coatrack. When he's finished we get to talking about his boss ("Esta un poco loco, no?" he says, almost smiling. I agree that the contractor is a bit crazy, but I'm grimacing). But Juan is not bothered by the man's kookineess. He's grateful to be working at all. His previous patrones, a couple who flew him to Boston from LA to live in their house while fixing it up, left the country without paying him for three months of his labor. They also sold the house, giving him little time to find another place to stay. All he got was $200 and a note that said, essentially, "Sorry! We're outta here".

Juan said he was glad to be in the US, even if illegally, as back home he found his job, as a member of the presidential secret service, demoralizing and degrading. Lacking connections, he had to pay a bribe to be considered for the job, which often entailed keeping an eye on presidential offspring who were drinking, drugging and vomiting. And he was on call nearly all the time, a life without structure or much sleep. Or respect.

"If you don't know the right people in Mexico, " Juan said. "Then you're nothing. People will treat you how they want. I have studied and have a few degrees but it made no difference. It's much better here."

Juan seemed to harbor no bitterness towards the couple who fleeced him. He embodied the message in my inbox, a walking example of how to let go and move on, to be happy regardless. He might be somewhat naive but he seems to be living in the moment, not living with a grudge.

I hope I can remember his example the next time I start to feel cheated. Certainly, I'll think of him for as long as I can make the tostadas - in this case they are round, flat and slightly sweet biscuits - last.

Indescribably Delicious

It is difficult to find words to describe the sensation of utter bliss that I experienced a week ago today, just off of Highway 880 in Oakland, California.

I had picked up my yellow Chevy Aveo rental car at Oakland Airport and was tootling along the road, en route to the bed & breakfast where I'd be staying during my nephew's Bar Mitzvah. A hand made sign caught my eye, a white sandwich board with WATERMELONS lettered in bright red, along with painted images of these juicy delights. The sun was bright, the sky blue, and the colors just popped off the sign. I slowed down. Watermelon sounded good, but what would I do with an entire melon?

The tempting WATERMELONS sign was followed by another handpainted sign that read TACOS La Pinata. Instinctively I pulled over, not even bothering to check with my body to see if it was hungry, parking my cheery economy class car between the Johnny-on-the-Spot and the one picnic table that decorated this gravel-topped lot where the TACOS La Pinata van had positioned itself for lunch.

Not only was I in the right place, I was home.

In line were Central American laborers, out for a quick, inexpensive and satisfying meal. I scanned the menu. A single taco was just $1 to $1.50, depending on the filling - grilled chicken, grilled fish, steak, and assorted pork variations. A man ahead of me received his order, a round plate with four tacos carefully arranged on it, garnished by radishes, pickled carrots, jalapenos, and a shoot of spring onion.

Too excited by the food and too exhausted from my flight to properly remember my Spanish, I ordered two chicken tacos in English.

"What do you want on that?" the friendly man in the van asked.

"Con todo!" I declared, my Spanish emerging. I wanted everything on them.

The man preparing the food took his time to create my dos taquitos, increasing the anticipation. In the meantime, I sipped a Coca Cola, my treat when I'm traveling, and watched as a trio of dark haired and coffee skinned workers occupied the shaded part of the picnic table, where I had planned to sit.

I must have been an oddity, a single white woman buying her lunch at a taco van by the side of a busy road, as I attracted some not unfriendly stares. When the food was ready, I decided to sit at the table, but on the sunny side, creating some space between me and my compadres. I nodded in greeting and then dug in.

One bite and I was in heaven. The tacos themselves were flavorful and soft, double layered to absorb the moisture of the filling, succulent chicken covered with chopped onions and cilantro. Two bites and the first taco was a goner. Within minutes I had polished off my plate and sadly realized that I had forgotten to photograph my sumptuous feast, which had set me back a staggering $3.50.

I would just have to order some more.

I approached the man in the van again.

"The tacos are delicious," I said, this time in Spanish, grinning broadly. "I'd like two fish tacos, please."

I was able to restrain myself long enough to take this photograph. Reveling in this second set of savories on a sunsplashed bench, intoxicated by the freshness and flavors of the food, I briefly entertained the thought, "It was worth flying across the country just for this."

Idea: Global Schwarming?

A friend and fellow blogger, some of whose postings make me hot under the collar, is hot on the trail of any soupcon of evidence indicating that global warming is a myth, or at least has not been sufficiently or rigorously proven. Click here to read for yourself. If you are a die hard liberal your blood pressure might spike - don't say I didn't warn you!

But, on a sillier note, what would happen if schwarma (or shawarma) stands were to pop up on every street corner, all over the world? They would smell really good (to us carnivores), and they would be an exotic (for some) alternative to local snack foods. While it would be an exaggeration to say that I survived on schwarma while I was in Israel, I did appreciate that this satisfying, spicy and colorful sandwich was both inexpensive and ubiquitous.

Let it be known that I am in favor of global schwarming!

Ice Cream from a Truck!

A red ice cream truck makes its daily rounds through West Newton, its telltale jingle alerting anyone who is home and craving a cold treat that help is on its way. This truck has a low profile, like a small pickup, in contrast to the large white ice cream vans that strategically station themselves at various hot spots (such as the parking lot at Walden Pond). The driver's side has white lettering, and I believe it said "_______ Farm". I wish I could remember whose farm was mentioned, but in my haste I wasn't focusing. After hearing the truck circulating for weeks, yesterday I decided to give into my urge for ice cream and I ran outside in the hopes of getting the driver's attention before he had moved too far down the street.


Because it was an unusual truck with So-and-So's Farm inscribed on the side, I had a flashing fantasy that the driver was carrying a haul of premium ice cream flavors that he would carefully scoop into a cone and present to me with a fluorish.


"What do you have?" I asked eagerly, my fantasy still intact.

"Oh, the usual," he said, gesturing to the far side of the truck which was pasted with labels of all the usual ice cream truck offerings: Hood ice cream sandwiches, creamsicles and assorted ice cream configurations (with flavored centers and crunchy objects on the surface) on sticks.

My bubble thus burst, I had to make a selection. Fast. I was the only customer he had lured outdoors and I didn't want to make the man linger all that long while I mulled over a purchase that turned out to be less than $2. I hoped he was getting a decent wage, rather than relying on commissions.

I chose the so-called Sports Bar, a rectangular block of ice cream covered with a thin but rich chocolate coating.

It was delicious, all the more so because it came from a truck.

Iced Raspberry Mochaccino

As far as "i" words go, "iced" is pretty generic, if not completely lame, but it was prominent in my consciousness this past weekend during a very successful, and very hot, folk festival where I was selling my jewelry.

A large coffee establishment, whose name I will not mention but which you can probably guess, and which normally I do not patronize (favoring instead independently owned cafes), had a van at this festival, filled with college-aged people who were making free samples of iced raspberry mochaccinos. These came in little cups, which one young lady filled with the chilled chocolatey coffee liquid before passing them to her colleague who topped them with a squirt whipped cream, followed by a squiggle of raspberry sauce. To complete the preparation, a short green straw was inserted into the cup.

On Saturday, the husband of one of my fellow artists made a run to the van and returned with handfuls of these little caffeinated delights. I had barely slept the night before (not because of pre-show nerves, but because my body goes a bit berserk at certain times of the moon cycle), and this wee cup of colorful cold creamy sweetness gave me the jolt I needed to stay attentive to my many customers. My neighbor at the show shuns caffeine (wise woman!) and offered me hers, so I enjoyed a double portion.

On Sunday, shortly after 12pm, I abandoned my booth and dashed over to the aforementioned van and asked if I could get several samples for the artists nearby.

"Sure, how many do you want?" a young lady asked me.

"How about a tray of them?" I suggested.

"No problem!"

She and her colleague got to work, and within minutes produced a tray of seven mini mochaccinos, which decorated with their straws looked like caffeinated cocktails. Off I went, navigating through the crowds to return to the art festival, where I distributed the loot.

Aah!

Intestines

Well, as they say, be careful what you wish for. As I requested in my first post, two people sent me suggestions for topics based on the letter "I", and of the half dozen or so ideas that have been offered so far, Intestines is where I am beginning. I am still taking suggestions for topics, but please be kind. Whimsical is preferable to political. For example, don't proffer "Islamist intransigence" (alas, someone has beat you to it).

For those of us who need a quick reminder about this extremely valuable but, under normal circumstances, invisible part of the body, click here for the Wikipedia entry, whence I've "borrowed" this image.

Did you know that in an adult male the small intestine is about 20 feet long? That is a decent distance for digested food to travel on part of its journey out of the body and into the porcelain goddess, or into a hole in the ground, and I can imagine how easily it could stuck along the way, trapped in tight curves, if it isn't being pushed along by a current of water or other fluid (I presume beer might work, too). Having written that I think I have just convinced myself to get another drink....of lemon seltzer; excuse me for a minute!

Aah. Much better.

Someone I know recently had a colonscopy, and not just a run of the mill colonscopy. This person had also agreed to participate in a study of a new pre-colonoscopy diet which, if it is found to create more accurate test results, might become part of the protocol for everyone. This was a multi-day procedure to help clean out the intestines, et al, involving a strict regimen of prescribed and specially prepared foods and finally, on the very last day, consuming a gallon of a foul tasting beverage before the exam. This person dutifully followed the plan and the doctor pronounced her sparklingly clean intestines to be incredibly healthy looking; perhaps if there had been a Miss America contest for intestines she would have won, and could have toured the country extolling the benefits of eating green leafy vegetables, perhaps helping to slow the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in this country.

The rest of the time, of course, our intestines are full of well, you know what they are full of. And if they are too full of it, then we become constipated or suffer from irritable bowel syndrome, or just become kvetchy and grouchy.

Of course, if intestines are filled with a mixture of meat, vegetables and spices and then cooked, they are called kishkes, or stuffed derma. It is possible that I once tried this traditional East European Jewish dish although if I did, I have repressed the memory. I do recall eating and enjoying beef tongue when I was a young child, before my brain was developed enough to make the connection between the meat on the stove and the part of my anatomy with the exact same name. Ignorance, apparently, really was bliss.

Dorchester Dim Sum

Here I am, just a few postings into this blog, and you've noticed that I've already bent my rule about beginning postings with the letter "I". We do make exceptions for alliteration. Might as well get that out of the way.

Eating dim sum is always an adventure, especially if one has dietary restrictions. At this particular restaurant in Dorchester, a relentless procession of middle aged Chinese women, each with a different cart, approached the table I was sharing with a friend almost seconds after we sat down. The contents of these carts remained obscure - most contained steaming meat and seafood which remained hidden inside opaque white buns or dumplings.

I had to speak fast, before these eager ladies deposited plates and steamers of "je ne sais quoi" onto our table.

"I don't eat pork," I said, as clearly as possible.

Sure enough, all Cart Lady #1 heard or understood was "pork", and began to lift the lids of all of the pork dishes in the cart, about 75% of the total. Depending on your perspective, the prevalence of pork either made our choices that much easier or deprived us of a good portion of the menu.

We began with a seaweed salad, which my friend spotted on the cart's second shelf, hanging out alongside some cubed jello. Then we added a crispy concoction of fried potatoes and shrimp. The cart lady stamped our bill but hung around, expecting us to pile on some more.

"That's it for now," my friend said, receiving a blank look in return. "Come back in ten minutes," she added, pointing to her wrist to indicate a watch. The cart lady shrugged her shoulders to let us know that she didn't understand.

Before we had taken too many bites, Cart Lady #2 had pulled up, tempting us with her fragrant wares. The dumplings looked divine, but when we asked her what was in them, most had pork.

"Do you have any with vegetables?" I asked.

She shook her head no.

"Do you have any with chicken?" my friend inquired.

Rummaging through the cart, Lady #2 found a steamer of fluffy white buns filled with chicken. I was dubious, but for the sake of variety we ordered them. The dough was on the sweet side, and somewhat sticky, and the piece of poultry inside was small and nastyish, not offal but not really meat, either. We didn't finish those. We also tried shrimp that came wrapped in silky white coverings that were the shape, but not the texture, of crepes. Lady #2 squirted a dark sauce on them after placing them on our table.

Stamp, stamp. Our bill, unintelligible to me, was now decorated with two more colored dots.

I decided that - for me, at least - dumplings in translucent pouches were a better bet. From Cart Lady #3 we ordered a basket of shrimp dumplings (the beef ones looked iffy) and my friend wanted to get some buns with bean paste (I didn't touch those).

At that point we decided to call it quits on the ordering. It was a hot day and we went easy on our bellies, leaving behind an orphaned white chicken bun and a white bun with bean paste.

The waiter took our stamped sheet and returned with a bill we could understand.

The sum for our dim sum? $20.